August 08, 2012

I'm Not Crying

[Flight of the Conchords]

You think the [probably only 7 total] tears I've shed within the last 24 hours would be due to the unnecessary MMR shot I received yesterday.
But they weren't.

Or they might have been brought on by the uneasiness of the email from Walgreens thanking me for "Trusting" them.

Should I have not? What kind of pharmacists does my local Walgreens employ? She seemed legit...but now I am second guessing things. I should have travelled to Chad's Walgreens. Maybe, then they wouldn't have had to thank me. Chad's trustworthy. However, I would be afraid I'd get a different kind of shot in Kearns.

Still, the email wasn't the reason for my short cry fest.

Perhaps the tears have come from the withdrawals I am having from NOT being on a strict training program? Most certainly they COULD have, but they WEREN'T. Life without racing is depressing me. But, not enough to shed any tears. I am still working out. If I weren't, you'd DEFINITELY see tears. [I am unstable without exercise for a release. Just ask my mother-in-law who can vouch for some insanity on the move back from Mass.]

I used to be a crier. So in the past, it could have been for no reason at all. But the past few years, I've toughened up. I like to think "I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through". I've hardened my heart and find I am pretty tough these days. I can't recall the last time I had cried prior to today. So it's probably not a random drive by crying.

But I became weak for a short 5 minutes and am suppressing the choked up feeling I have welling inside as I type this blog entry.

So if it wasn't for the above reasons, then why?

Earlier this summer I had decided that now was the time to go back to school to finish my Bachelor's Degree. It's been bad news ever since.

When I had paused schooling to follow Kase out to Mass back in 2008, we had debated postponing marriage and separating for a couple months. I had only 5 classes left til my Bachelor's in Accounting would be completed. I could crank it out in 1 semester while Kase started his Law School Career alone. I would then join him for his second semester. We would delay marriage and live together, hoping to one day commit, but who knew when. As we thought more about this, we weighed all the options and decided it was best to pursue KC's career path while I supported him financially and emotionally.

I don't regret leaving school to live in Mass and be with Kase. It was an experience I'll never forget and I have some great memories from that time.

But I can't say it's made my life any easier [at least for now]. 

As I return, I am finding that not only did it set me back for the 4 years I've been absent, but much more.

Tuition has nearly doubled since my last sememster at the U.

My class number increased from 5 to 13 classes because of some added diversity and internation requirements. Causing me to choose to change major paths and go for a business management degree, which is still 11 classes, but 2 less than accounting and will do the same thing for me job-wise.

Where I didn't have a hold on my account before, I now had. Stating they were missing my first [not second though; if I got the second doesn't that mean I got the first? Duh!] MMR shot. Taking me 2 months of unsuccessful tracking down the records, I was forced into paying $100 for the pointless immunization.

And after finding 4 classes I could register for and having the hold removed today, I come to find out that I am no longer registered as a student and have to reapply to the university. Which means, no fall semester.

And that's when the water works start..

As I teared up, it hits me... the GPA for acceptance into the highly coveted Business School program is a 3.7. My GPA had dropped to a 3.69. If I have lost my seat, then I won't get back in.

Should I hang the rope now? Or should I wait until I find out that my Massachusetts driver's license deems me as an out of state resident? I am banking on it. It's bound to be bad news. Time to ditch the license and get myself back to Utah. If a new driver's license doesn't cover my absence I am looking at 2 years waiting period. I wouldn't start school again until after I am 30!

It sounds dramatic, but I want to die.

As I stood in the stairwell at work crying my 7 tears to Kase I tried to swallow my sadness and think of the positive.

I don't want a business degree any longer, but because it was the shortest route to a degree I was continuing that path. I was only doing it for a fall back plan and my pride.

Could this be a sign I am supposed to follow my true passion through school and actually get something from it? If I can't get back into the business school and have to start back at the beginning of a undergraduate, post-general degree should I be majoring in physical therapy? sports medicine? health nutritionist?

That's an exciting thought. [A longer road, but something I'd actually love.]

And as I started to think of the positive, I instantly got happy as I thought of the training time that was suddently made available. Kase laughed hysterically as my cries turned to smiles as I thought of participating in some fall races.

I hung up the phone, wiped off my wet cheek, and registered for a sprint triathlon.

Life moves forward for this type A personality...

It's not necessarily a consolation for the sad occassion at hand, but it's helping. Now to order that bike computer and start working on some speed. Then apply for Spring semester...

1 month and counting until race day...I could cry over the anticipation! Hopefully it will keep me distracted from my sad news...


  1. Sorry Vieve! That really sucks!!! I'm glad you found some consolation though. :)

  2. Woah! Sounds like you had a HUGE day! I would still be crying. But what can I say, I AM a cryer. So..maybe I'm still half asleep. What are you doing in Spring? business? or something health related? Or still undecided? Let's talk soon.
    I love the way you were able to quickly turn your sadness around and decide to crank out some races. You rock! Send some of that my way, K?
    Now come on out and let's go kayaking!!!! :)

  3. Virtual ((HUGS)) coming your way! So sorry you have such uncertainty right now. I say follow your heart, it is what can give you pure joy and fulfillment!