My job is hard to explain. KC always says he isn't even sure what I do. And it's not worth trying to explain now. It's complicated.
I've hinted here and there how many hours I put in, how stressed I am, the instability of the job lately. All in all, it's been VERY difficult. But I never gave up. Sometimes I felt like I could, but like any of my siblings, we just don't have "giving-up" in us.
As of yesterday, the doors to my work were closed, the employees laid off, clients notified, and I am left cleaning things up. The parent company is trying to make a position for me and I should know more of where I am going Monday.
Overall, I feel a lot of emotions right now:
- Relief - I have fought a lot for this company to stay alive. And there is a bit of relief in me that I am done fighting and can start throwing my energy towards another job. Also, it's a relief to just have a finality to it. The going back and forth was so intensely draining. Lastly, I've worked every day, including weekend and holidays for the past 3 years. I would be lying if I weren't trying to look at the positive aspect of this being that I might actually have a full day off. That is a relief.
- Frustration - It shouldn't have been shutdown. It was trending upwards. It was going to have a profitable month. But due to a law suit the company is going through. The court shut it down.
- Failure - I was in-charge of this business. Seeing it fail, means I failed. I know. I am going to get lectured for that. But it's hard not to feel that way. I do know that I did EVERYTHING I could and gave it my best. But there is still a small feeling of failure just because it was MY project and it is isn't being allowed to go forward.
- Sad - I am aching for the employees who worked SO hard to make it work and in the end were let go. These were my friends and they are incredible people. I am so thankful for them being such an enormous help to me, because they reminded me daily to refocus and continue pressing forward. Fabulous workers that did there very best. I will miss working with them and hope them the very best.
- Anxious - I am not sure what or if I really have a position with the parent company. So I am anxious about what will happen with that.
- Denial - Has this really just happened? It just doesn't make sense, so it's hard to believe it's over.
- Happy - To be moving onto the next phase of life. I can handle anything.
- Gratitude - When KC and I moved out to MA, this company allowed me to work remotely. They gave me the opportunity to support my husband and remain a part of the company. It allowed me to travel back to Utah and see my family more than I probably would have at any other job. And with us moving back in 10 weeks, I am so grateful that I was allowed to manage this company for the duration of our time out here. It really is a mixture of hard work, an understanding boss, and a miracle.
I know that a lot of you have been concerned and asking for updates. Overall, KC and I are fine, and will be fine no matter what the outcome. I am glad to have him and family who have been a huge support to me. IMs, emails, phone calls. I have a lot of people that love me and I am so grateful for that. This post wasn't to worry anyone. So don't be. It really isn't necessary. I just wanted to provide an update and document this change in my life. But KC and I are absolutely in no trouble. Now, onto the next thing...